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    I Vant to Suck Your Peanut Butter Cup

    JEZEBEL:
    Heya, Avid Fans! It’s time once again for Cat and Muse. Here with me in the limbo of Jackie Kessler’s website, as always, is the cliché speaking, hand wringing Muse of Tragedy, Melpomene! Hi, Mel!

    MELPOMENE:
    Yo.

    JEZ:
    It’s Halloween, sweetie. I would have thought you’d dress up.

    MEL:
    All dressed up with no place to go.

    JEZ:
    Oh, don’t be like that. You should come with me to the New York Village Halloween Parade. And hey – I could even go au naturale, and no one would even notice.

    MEL:
    New York, New York, a Hell of a town…

    JEZ:
    That’s the spirit sweetie. And speaking of spirits and other Halloween goodies, it’s time for our next guest here on Cat and Muse. Mel, give us the cliché of the day. Make it something bloody.

    MEL:
    Blood is thicker than water.

    JEZ:
    And it makes a great vodka chaser. But the guy joining us today is too young to drink—booze, that is. Like the esteemed Vlad Tepes, this guy doesn’t do wine. That’s right, kids: jailbait. Ooh. And so, I promise to be on my best behavior.

    MEL:
    Actions speak louder than words.

    JEZ:
    Oh, ye of little faith…Avid Fans, give it up for the protagonist of Heather Brewer’s The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod: Eighth Grade Bites—Vlad!

    [APPLAUSE]

    Heya, cutie!

    VLAD:
    Hey, Jezebel! Great to be here.

    JEZ:
    A thirteen-year-old half-human vampire. My, my. A combination of pimples and poor fang control. What’s the toughest part being an eighth grade vampire?

    VLAD:
    The hickeys.

    JEZ:
    Oh, sweetie, do tell!

    VLAD:
    Nah, really the toughest part is keeping my fangs hidden and keeping my hunger under control. Just imagine going to school every day with a bunch of cheeseburgers. Trust me…it’s not easy.

    JEZ:
    How about the best part?

    VLAD:
    Being able to float has a definite draw. And reading people’s minds. But for the most part, being a bloodsucking creature of the night isn’t much different than being human. Especially a math teacher…or a lawyer.

    JEZ:
    I love your outlook, cutie. So…summer: a living Hell, or no problem thanks to sunblock?

    VLAD:
    I don’t go anywhere without sunblock. I have no hidden desire to become bacon.

    JEZ:
    I swear, I just want to gobble you up! Are you the only half-human vampire out there?

    VLAD:
    As far as I know.

    JEZ:
    Do you ever wish you were a normal human?

    VLAD:
    A lot of the time, I do. Humans have it so easy. If they’re hungry, they stop by McDonald’s and no one’s life is endangered.

    JEZ:
    I don’t know about that. You ever look at the contents of some of that McFood?

    VLAD:
    Not real closely—cooked meat makes me gag. But back to humans—if  their school hosts a blood-drive, they have nothing to worry about. Not to mention the fact that they can tan…

    JEZ:
    I think tanning is overrated. Take it from one who’s used to basking in the heat. So with all that yearning to be a human, do you ever wish you were a full-fledged vampire?

    VLAD:
    Even though I’m half vampire, I have all the traits of a vampire.

    JEZ:
    That’s pretty cool.

    VLAD:
    Still, it might be nice not to be a freak to both humankind and vampirekind.

    JEZ:
    Any truth to the garlic deterring a vampire legend?

    VLAD:
    Dude. Italian food? Not in my house. I get really nauseous if I smell garlic—so bad sometimes that I pass out. If I were to swallow it or get some in an open wound, it could kill me. So, yeah…I avoid it like the plague.

    JEZ:
    Trust me, that’s no great loss. We gals aren’t into garlic breath. What about running water? Can you cross it?

    VLAD:
    Are you serious? That’s one of the dumbest theories ever put forth by humankind—right after that whole “vampires can’t cast a reflection” thing.

    JEZ:
    I’ve always wondered about that…

    VLAD:
    If that were true, vampires would be known for having bad hair more than for drinking blood.

    JEZ:
    Heh. Duly noted.

    VLAD:
    YES, I can cross running water. Otherwise, showering after gym just wouldn’t happen…and how do you explain that to the teacher? “Sorry, coach, I’m an all-powerful creature of the night…but the thought of running water makes me scream like a little girl.” I don’t think so.

    JEZ:
    Bless me, you are so freaking adorable. I so wish you were older…

    MEL:
    Wish in one hand, [BLEEP] in the other…

    JEZ:
    Ahem. So, Henry is your best friend and sidekick. Is he more like Robin the Boy Wonder, or like Igor from the Frankenstein movies?

    VLAD:
    As much as the idea of Henry in tights or with a hump might amuse me, he’s really neither. He’s just my best bud. When I need him, he’s got my back, even if he is a real pain sometimes.

    JEZ:
    So he’s not really sidekick material, I take it.

    VLAD:
    We’re equals…well, except for the fact that he continually beats me at video games, has better grades, and is really, really popular. Come to think of it, I may rethink that whole tights thing after all.

    JEZ:
    Horror movies: humorous entertainment, or documentaries on the life and times of monsters?

    VLAD:
    I’m a big fan of cheesy horror films, especially those that feature vampires. They’re more comedy for me than anything else…well, except the bloody films. They’re more like watching the Food Network.

    JEZ:
    [SNORTS LAUGHTER]

    VLAD:
    Humans should take anything they see in the movies with a grain of salt. The truth is, the real monsters in the world are scarier than anything Hollywood can come up with.

    JEZ:
    Speaking of Hollywood, if Eighth Grade Bites became a movie, who should play you?

    VLAD:
    I don’t know. It would be cool to have an unknown actor portray me. But Henry? I could totally see Henry played by Drake Bell of Drake and Josh fame.

    JEZ:
    What’s better: blood or chocolate?

    VLAD:
    Why eat them separate? I love dipping chocolate chip cookies in warm blood. There’s just something about it that feels right, ya know?

    JEZ:
    Tell me about it, cutie. So who’s scarier: the Bad Guy in Eighth Grade Bites, or your Aunt Nelly catching you sneaking home after curfew?

    VLAD:
    That’s a tough one. I’m not sure I could pick…but I’m leaning toward Nelly.

    JEZ:
    In Eighth Grade Bites, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Heather, lady, what are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

    VLAD:
    Heather was pretty good about listening to me and telling my story for me. There were a few times she tried to change things, but I groaned and told her she was doing it wrong. We work pretty well together.

    JEZ:
    So if you had your way, would you change anything about Eighth Grade Bites?

    VLAD:
    I would make things easier on me! I mean, come ON! How much can a teen vampire put up with? As if containing my hunger isn’t enough, then somebody learns my secret…AND I have a math test?!

    JEZ:
    Besides math tests, tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

    VLAD:
    I wish there were no such thing as bullies.

    JEZ:
    What about in the publishing world? Anything you or Heather wish could be different?

    VLAD:
    She seems pretty happy. And me? I’m just geeked to have my story told.

    JEZ:
    As well you should be! It’s a fabulous story. I’m sure many of our Avid Fans want to know, what does a thirteen-year-old vampire cutie like you do to impress a gal?

    VLAD:
    I have NO idea. Honestly, if you have any pointers, I’d love to hear them.

    JEZ:
    Sweetie, the pointers I’d give you would get you arrested. Now, when you’re not jailbait, we can definitely talk about that. Finally, if you could be Evil for one day, what would you use your vampiric powers for?

    VLAD:
    Invisibility plus girls’ locker room. ‘Nuff said. (I owe Henry that much.)

    JEZ:
    Oh, cutie, we DEFINITELY have to get together in a few years…say, maybe after high school graduation. Avid Fans, give it up for Vlad Tod, protagonist of Heather Brewer’s Eighth Grade Bites! Available now for preorder!

    [APPLAUSE]

    That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! See you next time. And remember, if you can’t wait a week (or so) for the next episode, you can visit me and my fellow Kensington Succubus Diva, Georgina, at Magical Minxes. And remember, lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It’s also a tee shirt.

    Smooches!

    8 Responses to “I Vant to Suck Your Peanut Butter Cup”

    1. I laughed. I cried. I had a sudden urge for blood and chocolate. Food network…I LOVED that. [not just APPLAUSE…STANDING OVATION]

      by Paul on October 31st, 2006 at 9:30 am

    2. Hilarious! Thanks for the great interview.

      🙂

      by Lisa McMann on October 31st, 2006 at 9:42 am

    3. You really need a spew warning before some of those comments… I’m still cleaning the coffee off of my monitor.

      by Ewoh on October 31st, 2006 at 2:37 pm

    4. FOOD NETWORK!!! HAHAHA!!! Great interview!

      by Eryc on October 31st, 2006 at 2:38 pm

    5. Great interview, Jez and Vlad. And the timing was perfect. On Halloween, the mailman dropped off an ARC of Hell’s Belle’s. Looking forward to digging in!

      by JA Konrath on November 1st, 2006 at 12:00 pm

    6. Chocolate chip cookies dipped in warm blood – gah! Almost made my coworker spew! Great interview.

      by Dawn on November 6th, 2006 at 5:36 pm

    7. :mrgreen: i nearly wet my pants
      FOODNETWORK HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH 🙂

      by marina on August 2nd, 2007 at 2:20 pm

    8. Oh, that’s just PRICELESS. Yay!

      by Eric Seiden on November 25th, 2007 at 11:14 pm

     

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