JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome once again to Cat and Muse. I’m Jezebel, former demon of Lust, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the cliché-speaking, pop-culture- referencing Muse of Tragedy, the producer of Cat and Muse…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Hey, I love your tee shirt. An angel chugging coffee through his trumpet. Nice.

MEL:
NECTAR OF THE GODS.

JEZ:
I hear that shirt pissed off the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

MEL:
SO SUE ME.

JEZ:
Heh. Mel, for an ancient Greek Muse, you’re positively American in your thinking.

MEL:
DON’T TALK TO ME UNTIL I’VE HAD MY COFFEE.

JEZ:
Sounds like that’s my cue to introduce our next guest. You know what they say about Venus, right?

MEL:
GODDESS ON THE MOUNTAINTOP.

JEZ:
Indeed! Our next guest on Cat and Muse is the summit of beauty and love, as the song goes. Avid Fans, give a hot welcome to the co-star of Shannon McKelden’s VENUS ENVY …Venus Cronus!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, sweetie! Which do you prefer, Venus or Aphrodite?

VENUS:
Venus. Totally. Ticks my father off, for starters. He thinks Aphrodite sounds more “goddess-like.” But I am a goddess. THE Goddess according to all those lucky enough to have made my acquaintance, if you know what I mean.

JEZ:
[GRINS] I’m picking up what you’re putting down.

VENUS:
So who needs the stuffy name? Besides, Venus rhythms with my favorite plaything. [WINKS]

JEZ:
Hah! Check this out: according to Wikipedia (so we know it must be true), “the Roman Venus was far more powerful and revered than the Greek Aphrodite.”

VENUS:
Obviously very smart for humans, those Romans. They clearly had a better handle on the true ME than the Greeks did.

JEZ:
They were pretty good with roads, too, from what I remember…

VENUS:
Keep in mind that Wikipedia also reports that ridiculous story that I rose out of the sea foam after Uranus had his genitals whacked off.

JEZ:
Um, ouch.

VENUS:
Zeus probably planted that story to throw off his wife, Hera, about the affair he had with my mother, Dione.

JEZ:
Hell of a guy. Er, god.

VENUS:
Maybe mortals make this stuff up to keep from being bored out of their skulls on this planet.  If I knew a thing about computers, I’d be on that Wiki-thing and making some corrections to the entries, is all I can say.

JEZ:
I hear you. So, from goddess of love, beauty, and fuzznuckin to fairy godmother. My, my. That must have been a Hell of an adjustment to make. What was the worst part?

VENUS:
What part isn’t the worst part?!  Do you have any idea it feels like to be uprooted from the only life you’ve ever known and dumped into a totally different life?

JEZ:
Actually…yeah, kind of.

VENUS:
Sorry, Jez, I didn’t mean to be so insensitive. But, really, Earth has to be better than Hell, doesn’t it?

JEZ:
Well, Earth has chocolate, for one thing…

VENUS:
And I can only imagine what the climate of Hell is like on your skin, right? All that heat and steam.

JEZ:
Never noticed.

VENUS:
My hair would be a total frizzball 24/7. Earth had to be a step up for you. But, in my case, it’s like, well, HELL.

JEZ:
Anything good come out of playing fairy godmother and waving your magic wand?

VENUS:
That’s just it! I have no magic wand!  Zeus took EVERYTHING from me. Okay, I didn’t have a magic wand before, either. But here on Earth? I got nothing! No wand, no powers, no waving my hand and hooking people up. I actually have to make an, ugh, effort here.

JEZ:
Man, that really sucks.

VENUS:
It does! And humans are so brainless sometimes. Their soulmate could be standing bare-assed in front of them and they couldn’t see that they were meant to be together.

JEZ:
I know, they should come with instruction manuals. What do you do when they’re being particularly dense?

VENUS:
I have to counsel them. Talk them into seeing what their destiny is.  And I sooo don’t see what the point is.  Who cares if I get people together magically or by talking them into it? Isn’t the result the same?  Except that with my way, there’s more “me time.”

JEZ:
What the Hell did you do to piss of your daddy so much that it landed you in Fairy Godmother prison?

VENUS:
I didn’t do anything. At least not anything that deserved punishment. Nothing Daddy himself hasn’t ever done.  I think Daddy Dearest just has a god complex, you know?  “Do as I say, not as I do.”  That’s the lamest thing ever.

JEZ:
There had to be something that bothered the Hell out of  Zeus…

VENUS:
I can’t really tell you anything. A lawyer I slept with once advised me not to speak without representation.

JEZ:
Heh. So, what’s the deal with the golden girdle? Why does a goddess of nookie need the celestial equivalent of fuck-me pumps?

VENUS:
I don’t need it. I’m totally capable of getting any guy I want without the girdle, thank you very much.

JEZ:
O-kay…

VENUS:
It’s just nice that they don’t remember when it’s all over with, you know? So much less messy with the girdle. Kind of like a one-night-stand cloaking device. But I don’t need it. I don’t even know why Heph made it for me.

JEZ:
Heph?

VENUS:
He’s that guy I had to marry because my father thought it would keep me focused. Ha! He thought he was being nice making me something pretty and magical, but really, it just made more trouble.

MEL:
ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD.

VENUS:
No frickin’ kidding. But seriously, what am I going to do with it now? It’s not like I can re-gift it.

JEZ:
Why not?

VENUS:
The last thing I need is some other woman snagging all my attention.

MEL:
VENUS ENVY.

JEZ:
You bet. Talk about your fairy godmother powers. What can you do?

VENUS:
Fairy godmothers having powers? Ha! That’s a joke.

JEZ:
So…nada?

VENUS:
I can do that mind control thing, but only once per godchild, which is a complete waste, if you ask me.

JEZ:
That’s a bummer.

VENUS:
Do you know how many man-hours I waste by having to do everything the “natural” way?  I basically have nothing. No control whatsoever. Which is wrong, I tell you.

JEZ:
Sweetie, you have the [BLEEP]-me girdle.

VENUS:
Oh, the girdle-thing works on mortals…but we all know what kind of trouble that got me into, right? I’m soooo not going there again.

JEZ:
What’s better: sex or chocolate?

VENUS:
[GRINS] Sex WITH chocolate.

JEZ:
Speaking of sex, who’re better lovers: gods, satyrs, fauns, centaurs, or mortals?

VENUS:
Okay, no offense, Jez, but what’s with the animals? I prefer my pelts in collar or stole form.

JEZ:
Hey, I was a shag ’em and bag ’em kind of demon.

MEL:
SCREW LIKE RABBITS.

VENUS:
As for gods or mortals…let’s just say gods have the goods but mortals break up the monotony.

JEZ:
Do you think immortals are meant to marry?

VENUS:
Knowing what I know now, I’d say no way should immortals marry each other. I mean, look what I’m stuck with. Not that Heph’s that bad, you know. Just not my type. Like, not hot.

JEZ:
So you’re saying they go for mortal mates, which basically come with a built-in “get out of marriage free” card in about 80 human years?

VENUS:
Not so sure that’s a great idea either, despite the freedom factor thing.  I’m all for Free Love, you know?  But then, that’s kinda what got me in trouble in the first place, so forget I said anything.

JEZ:
What tips do you have for gals who want a certain fellow’s attention? What should she do? And don’t tell me that she has to offer a sacrifice to the goddess of love. That’s just cheesy.

VENUS:
Cheesy and GROSS!  I’m so not into sacrifice. Have you ever tried to get blood stains out of white silk?

JEZ:
Nope.

VENUS:
Okay, neither have I, but my laundress tells me it’s a bitch.  As for getting a guy’s attention, usually it’s not too tough. I mean, really, Jez, you’re a demon of Lust.

JEZ:
Former demon.

VENUS:
Okay, former demon of Lust. I get that you’re into this whole reform thing. But do you really have to work at getting men?

JEZ:
Me? Bless me, no. I was asking on behalf of the Avid Fans.

VENUS:
I suppose there are women who have to put forth more effort. But, in general, take a bath once in a while and you’ll attract at least some guy’s attention.

JEZ:
[LAUGHS] All righty…As a former goddess, you must have had your fair share of lovers. Who was the best? Who was the worst?

VENUS:
I have to plead that amendment that mortals use to not incriminate themselves…the fourth? Fifth? Something like that.

JEZ:
Come on, spill. You can tell us.

VENUS:
My lips are sealed.  Oh, and nice finger pointing with the “former” crack. I’m not a former anything.  You may have run away from Hell, but I was pushed off Mt. Olympus.  I’ll soooo be back. Once a goddess, always a goddess.

JEZ:
Of course, sweetie. How long are you stuck in the whole Good Love Life Samaritan thing?

VENUS:
Damned if I know!  I’m thinking this open-ended punishment thing should be outlawed, but who’s gonna cross Zeus, you know?  Anyone who tried would probably just end up keeping me company down here on Earth-Hell.

JEZ:
Who can hold a grudge more: a pissed off thunder god, or a woman scorned?

VENUS:
Once I’d have said a woman scorned, but after 2,000-plus years on this goddess-forsaken planet, I’m beginning to think Zeus is worse than any woman.

JEZ:
In Venus Envy, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Shannon, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Dear Creator in sync the entire time?

VENUS:
Okay, let me make this clear…Shannon did not make me do anything.  Nor did she create me. I was here long before I ever plucked her out of author oblivion to write my story. As I pointed out to her in a previous interview, her inspiration came from me.

JEZ:
Really?

VENUS:
That human mind trick I can do? Works on writers, too.  If she really knew how little of that book she came up with on her own, she’d probably just give up her tedious writing career and find herself a sugar daddy. It was all me!

JEZ:
Dang.

VENUS:
Get this…once, just once, I tried to give her a little bit of free rein. And she tried to make me wear sneakers. You know, those ugly things made of like fabric and, gag me, vinyl?  That you actually have to tie?

JEZ:
Heard of them.

VENUS:
Seriously, I don’t care if I was riding a bike, fashion is everything. Clearly not something she understands, since she’s been known to actually wear sweats. Upon Zeus! Who would even invent an article of clothing named after perspiration?!

JEZ:
[CHORTLES]

MEL:
[SINGS] GIRL I WANT TO MAKE YOU SWEAT, SWEAT TILL YOU CAN’T SWEAT NO MORE.

JEZ:
Right, Mel. Some sweat’s the good kind. Okay. Venus, in the book, were there any times you wanted to bitch-slap Rachel and tell her to just jump Luke’s bones already?

VENUS:
Oh, totally!  She had to be the stubbornest mortal ever! Heck, I could’ve stood on a street corner with his picture, panhandling for women, and gotten a better response than I got from Rachel.

JEZ:
What the Hell was Rachel’s problem?

VENUS:
See, humans have these things called “issues.” Apparently, issues are some kind of armor-like substance meant to protect your heart or something.  Not sure how they work, but they’re a pain in the ass for a Fairy Godmother, let me tell you!

JEZ:
If you had your way, what would you change about Venus Envy?

VENUS:
Two words…MORE. ME.  Only Shannon convinced me that I needed to let her tell Rachel’s side of the story, too. That if I didn’t let her do some bitching and whining, it wouldn’t really show how hard I had to work to fix her, you know?

JEZ:
Actually, that makes a lot of sense.

VENUS:
Okay, so I guess I do have to give Shannon credit for that part. But there still should have been more me. Even her editor asked for more Venus. I framed that part of her revision letter as proof, so when she writes the next book and tries to cheat me out of my fair share of page-time, I’ll pull it out and remind her. MORE VENUS.

JEZ:
What’s cooler: having a celestial body named after you, or having a Bananarama song named after you?

VENUS:
The song, totally! That damn planet doesn’t do anything but sit there. Bananarama, on the other hand, gets me, you know?

JEZ:
If Venus Envy went the way of Hollywood, who would you want to play you?

VENUS:
Totally easy…Portia de Rossi.  I made Shannon put a picture of her up on her monitor to remind her of what I looked like. Well, mostly. I’m naturally far more gorgeous than Portia (being the goddess of beauty and all), but if I had to have a girl crush (which Portia would probably be totally okay with!), I’d pick her. It’d be like having a crush on myself, and I practically do anyway.

JEZ:
If you could be Evil for one day, what would you use your godly powers for?

VENUS:
How Evil would I get to be? Evil enough to blast that pigheaded Zeus to Hades?? See how he’d like it in exile for a while!

JEZ:
And there you have it, Avid Fans—do NOT piss this goddess off! Let’s give Venus Cronus, star of Shannon McKelden’s VENUS ENVY, a standing O! Thanks so much for joining us today!

[APPLAUSE]

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! See you next time. And remember, if you can’t wait a week (or so) for the next episode, you can visit me at Magical Minxes. And remember, lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It’s also an attitude.

Smooches!