JEZEBEL:
Heya, avid fans! It’s time once again for Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show (so far as I know, which is good enough for me) run by quote-unquote fictional characters. I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the lovely, the lamentable Muse of Tragedy, forced to speak only in clichés and pop culture references…ladies and gentlemen, give a hotter than hot welcome to the producer of Cat and Muse…Melponeme!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
I must say, it’s good to be back in the studio after such a long break.

MEL:
VACATION’S ALL I EVER WANTED.

JEZ:
Sounds like you had a great time on your break. What did you do? Screw that. Who did you do?

MEL:
OUR LIPS ARE SEALED.

JEZ:
Ooh, a Go-Go’s kick!

MEL:
GOD BLESS THE GO-GO’S.

JEZ:
Good thing you’re quoting an album title. Otherwise, them’d be fighting words.

With us today in the studio is a fabulous, feisty Long Island mom, who has a thing or two to say about love, sex, and the PTA. She’s one of the stars of Ellen Meister’s book, Secret Confessions of the Applewood PTA.

Speaking of stars, the book received a starred review from Library Journal, which went on to say that “Meister’s debut novel is heartbreakingly funny, her characters facing life’s dramas and disappointments head on with wit and spunk.”

MEL:
THAT’S THE TICKET.

JEZ:
Oh, there’s more lurve where that came from. Kirkus Reviews – and no, all you Star Trek geeks, I don’t mean James T. Kirk – called the book “Comical yet poignant.” And über star Lisa Kudrow said reading the book was “the best time I’ve had in years.”

MEL:
YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.

JEZ:
The best time Lisa Kudrow’s had! In years! Avid fans, say hello to…Ruth Moss!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Ruth!

RUTH:
Hello sweeties. Air kisses, please. I just put on fresh lipstick.

JEZ:
[KISSY SOUNDS] Congratulations—Secret Confessions of the Applewood PTA has gotten fabulous reviews! I’m assuming it’s not because you slept with the right person. What’s the book about?

RUTH:
Three PTA women conspire to get a George Clooney movie filmed in their hometown.

JEZ:
Ooh, George. Yum.

MEL:
YOU TAKE THE GOOD, YOU TAKE THE BAD, YOU TAKE THEM BOTH AND THERE YOU HAVE THE FACTS OF LIFE.

JEZ:
[TO CAMERA] Our show wouldn’t be complete without an obscure George Clooney reference.

[TO RUTH] Tell me: Why George?

RUTH:
You have to ask? C’mon. LOOK at him.

JEZ:
Excellent point. Getting George to come to Applewood sounds like fun, but not so much on the angst. Where’s the heartbreak and life disappointments that Library Journal teases us with?

RUTH:
My husband had a stroke that left him brain-damaged and partially paralyzed.

JEZ:
Yeah, okay, that’s got to suck.

RUTH:
He’s impotent and doesn’t even know it.

JEZ:
Yow. Okay, it can’t get any worse.

RUTH:
He’s sexually uninhibited, so he tends to ask strange women for sex.

JEZ:
Holy [BLEEP] in Heaven. Guess it’s better than him asking strange men for sex, but still, ouch. What helps you through the tough times? I’m guessing something that requires batteries.

RUTH:
I play guitar and write my own songs. That helps a bit.

JEZ:
That’s good.

RUTH:
More important, I’ve got the world’s coolest friends. I don’t know what I’d do without them.

JEZ:
Yeah, friends are even better.

RUTH:
Also, I’m having pretty spectacular sex with the school superintendent.

JEZ:
[GRINS] There we go! Tell, tell!

RUTH:
He’s a very uptight Catholic, and so guilt-ridden he threatens constantly to end our affair.

JEZ:
[SNORTS LAUGHTER]

RUTH:
Once he gets hot, though, all bets are off.

JEZ:
Who’s on top?

MEL:
WHO’S ON FIRST.

JEZ:
Come on, Ruth. Define “hot.”

RUTH:
We like to keep it interesting and switch it around.

JEZ:
Switch hitters?

RUTH:
[COUGHS] We both like it rough.

JEZ:
Sweet. Speaking of sweet, which is better: sex or chocolate?

RUTH:
I don’t consider that an either/or question.

JEZ:
Heh. What’s your standard outfit-clothing of preference?

RUTH:
Long Island chic, mama. I shop only in the best stores.

JEZ:
As well you should. So, in Secret Confessions of the Applewood PTA, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Ellen, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

RUTH:
That drunk tirade I went on in the end was a bit much.

JEZ:
Care to elaborate?

RUTH:
[MIMES ZIPPING MOUTH CLOSED]

JEZ:
Well then, if you had your way, what would you change about Secret Confessions of the Applewood PTA?

RUTH:
It had three protagonists. As much as I love my friends, I think the whole book could have been about ME.

JEZ:
Heh. If you could make Ellen do anything, what would it be?

RUTH:
She needs to get the hell away from her computer once in a while and have a little fun.

JEZ:
That seems to be a problem with Creators. [SHOOTS MEANINGFUL LOOK AT COMPUTER]

MEL:
GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN.

JEZ:
Ruth, tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

RUTH:
I’d like everyone to be able to afford one really nice pair of designer shoes.

JEZ:
Oh, sweetie. That’s so generous of you! My Jimmy Choo’s cost me two months’ rent. But bless me, they’re worth it.

RUTH:
It would also be good if children never had to suffer.

JEZ:
Not even the obnoxious [BLEEP] who stick gummy worms on your [BLEEP] when you’re not looking? Not even a little suffering, just once?

RUTH:
Not ever.

JEZ:
You’re more of a do-gooder than you know. If Secret Confessions of the Applewood PTA goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

RUTH:
I think Virginia Madsen, Joely Fisher or Lorraine Bracco could play me.

JEZ:
Nice. What about your mentally impaired husband?

RUTH:
For Keith, I think Steve Carell, Paul Giamatti or Alec Baldwin could be hilarious.

JEZ:
Speaking of the Baldwin brothers, what’s your romantic fantasy?

RUTH:
Devouring George Clooney from head to toe.

JEZ:
Ooh, yum!

MEL:
YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY, I’VE GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY.

JEZ:
Finally, if you could be Evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy Evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

RUTH:
I’d like the power of make people fat.

JEZ:
Evil! Absolutely, purely Evil! I love it!

RUTH:
I’d cast a spell on Suzanne, skinny [BLEEP] PTA president.

JEZ:
Perfect!

Avid fans, for a Hell of a lot more of Ruth, her friends, and plotting about George Clooney, run out and get Ellen Meister’s novel, Secret Confessions of the Applewood PTA. You can get it at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Powells, Booksense, and Widget.

A huge round of applause for Ellen Meister’s fabulous star of Secret Confessions of the Applewood PTA…Ruth Moss!

[APPLAUSE]

And that’s it for this latest installment of Cat and Muse. Until the next time I can finagle the blog away from my Dear Creator (who really, really needs a life), remember: Lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It’s also a pop-punk Atlanta-based band.

Smooches!