So am I the only one who watched DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES last night and thought, “Lynette’s family will be fine, because ABC is owned by Disney, and Disney sure as hell won’t kill off a little girl in Prime Time”?

Yeah, the last episode before the Writers Strike officially shuts down new installments until God knows when was pretty good. But the big problem I found was that by this point, I don’t give a damn about the characters anymore. All of them have been afflicted with the TSTL Syndrome, which is a damn shame considering that the first season of DH was so well written and acted.

Well then. It’s time for Jackie’s TOP TEN DESPERATE PLOT DEVICES OF DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES:

10. Cheating on a spouse. Sure, we came into the series with Gabby pulling a Mrs. Robinson. But since then, she’s cheated on Carlos and with Carlos, too many times to count. Who cares already? And when Lynette considered cheating on Tom, BLAMMO, she got slapped with a tumor! That’ll learn her!

10 a. Learning of a spouse’s infidelity. From Rex to Carlos to Carl to Lynette thinking her husband was cheating on her, all of the Wistoria Lane titular stars have been in this situation. Is there anyone on the block who’s actually faithful? For more than a season?

9. Cancer. Woot, Lynette got cancer, stayed sick for all of a half season, and is now in recovery! But thankfully, she already played up her I’m Sick card to the point that it seems like she’d had cancer the entire run of the series. At least she still gets to wear spiffy scarves covering her still-bald pate. (Her hair must grow very slowly.)

8. Hit and run. In season one, Bree’s son Andrew smacked Carlos’s mother with his car hard enough to leave her in a coma. At the end of season three (right?), Mike got hit by a car, driven by Orson (who’s now married to Bree…hmm, maybe it’s a Bree thing?), hard enough to…say it with me…leave him in a coma.

7. Teh gayz. Look! Andrew’s gay! And evil! And look! Gay neighbors! And evil lawn art! Maybe the new neighbors will last longer than the only other nod to diversity — remember Betty Applewhite and family, who blew through season two?

6. Old pregnancy. Bree’s (pretending to be) pregnant! Susan’s pregnant! Carlos wanted to get Gabby pregnant! Gabby WAS pregnant (but not by Carlos), then lost the baby! Lynette didn’t get pregnant again, but she did acquire a new kid! Psst! Johnson & Johnson, you might want to place lots of ads in the timeslot now, because Older Moms Are Chic!

6 a. Raising a baby like it’s your own. Like, ohmigod, Bree and Orson totally fooled everyone with the baby belly! Like, do you think Danielle is going to pull a season one plot device and in a later season return to demand her baby back? Do you? Do you?

6 b. Teen pregnancy. Kids, remember, pre-marital sex is BAD. You might get pregnant and shipped off to a nunnery.

5. Alcoholism. From Bree’s stint during season two to Lynette’s mother this season, the women on (and visiting) Wistoria Lane can’t seem to hold their liquor.

4. A hostage crisis. Held captive at a supermarket, because the gunwoman is…angry that her husband had been cheating on her. (See 10 a.) And then, there was death. (See 2.)

3. Suicide. Edie almost accidentally-on-purpose offed herself. Considering that her character was effectively assassinated this season and replaced by a manipulative shrew who’s a caricature of who she used to be in previous seasons, maybe she was actually successful.

2. Murder. Ooh, the one that we never get tired of! In every season, there’s been at least one murder, and one murderer or murder attempt, on Wisteria Lane. And hidden bodies! From swimming pools to freezer chests to woody graves, if you’re a corpse, have no fear, because you will be discovered!

And finally, the most desperate of plot devices on DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES:

1. Amnesia. Last season, it was Mike, after surviving a hit and run. This season, it’s Katherine’s kid Dylan not remembering her childhood. Maybe DH viewers will get hit with amnesia when DH uses this plot device again in the near future…

Voted Most Likely To Be Added To the Desperate Plot Device List: Natural disasters. Yeah, I’d say the Surprise Tornado Attack pretty neatly places on the list.

Voted Quickest Disappearing Plot Device: Pedophiles clearly are not welcome on Wistoria Lane. Perhaps the writers and producers momentarily forgot that ABC is owned by Disney?