JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! It’s time for a new episode of Cat and Muse! I’m the former demon Jezebel, your host. With me, as always, is the producer of Cat and Muse, the cliche-speaking, pop-culture-referencing, always tragic Muse of Tragedy…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
So this morning, Jackie was reading this article, and you know me, I had to read over her shoulder. And this jumped out at me:

For a while Bock, who is now 38, a little old to be a first novelist, charged his groceries on his girlfriend’s credit card, and he rarely bought new clothing, making do with vintage rock T-shirts he collected in college….

Holy [BLEEP]. Since when has there been an age limit on being a first novelist? I guess my Dear Creator just squeaked in there, because Hell’s Belles was published when she was 36. Last year. So I guess she’s pretty [BLEEP] ancient in book years now at 37, huh?

MEL:
OLD AS DIRT.

JEZ:
Sucks to be her. [SHAKES HEAD] I’m Glad I’m a fictional character. I can be 30 in human years forever. Moving on!

The next guest on Cat and Muse is the heroine of Chris Dolley’s RESONANCE. Midwest Book Review says “Resonance is outstanding, creating unique, believable protagonists and compelling readers to follow along in an outstanding adventure.” And Bella Online says the book is “An engaging read with interesting characters and intelligent action. This novel is among my most recommended!”

Boys and girls, give a hot, hot, hot welcome to…Annalise Mercado!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Annalise!

ANNALISE:
Hi, Jez!

JEZ:
So—two people whose lives appear fragmented across hundreds of alternate realities have to work together to save the universe. My, my. What’s the worst thing about your situation?

ANNA:
Where do I start? There’s, like, the voices in the head thing.

JEZ:
Er…schizophrenia?

ANNA:
That’s what I thought, but even psycho serial killers only get the one voice. You know—God, the devil, someone’s dog…

JEZ:
[COUGHS] Actually, I have it on good authority that it’s never the big G, just some minor demon that’s screwing around with you.

ANNA:
Really?

JEZ:
[NODS]

ANNA:
But me, I get, like, two hundred voices. Two hundred! All called Annalise. All sure they’re me. All telling me what to do.

JEZ:
Do they tell you to cut off your finger and mail it to the Pope?

ANNA:
No, it’s all, “Save the world Annalise.”

JEZ:
Heh. No pressure there.

ANNA:
One of the girls in my head has her own TV show.

JEZ:
Cool!

ANNA:
Ask Annalise, it’s called, and she puts callers in contact with their dead relatives. Except some of them turn out not be dead, which kinda freaks the listeners out.

JEZ:
[BLEEP] me with a fork, I love that! Anything going on, other than the schizophrenia?

ANNA:
There’s this guy halfway across the world who’s the key to, like, everything. And all these other guys are out to kill him.

JEZ:
Hate when that happens.

ANNA:
So off I go to do the cheerleader thing. You know save the world, save the cheerleader.

JEZ:
[GIGGLES]

ANNA:
I thought that saving the world might save me. Or at least stop the voices. But then I see this Brit guy I’m supposed to help and…

JEZ:
Hold the phone. More details about the Brit.

ANNA:
Graham. He’s, like, old. At least thirty.

JEZ:
Bless me, what is it with kids these days? Thirty, she says…

ANNA:
And he’s one of those Obsessive Compulsives. You know, with a capital O, a capital C, and all the other letters in between arranged in descending order of neatness. Total whack job.

JEZ:
I take it this isn’t a match made in Heaven?

ANNA:
[POUTS] I’m, like, this hot, young redhead. And he—my hero—is like totally NOT a hero. Not only is he old, but he looks like he was dressed by his mother! Was Fabio busy that year?

JEZ:
Oh, you’re smitten and you know it. So, you and Graham. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

ANNA:
It would be cool if we were, like, in the same dimension long enough to HAVE a relationship. [SIGHS] What is it about guys? Can’t they commit to one dimension? I mean, is it that hard?

JEZ:
There’s always something, believe me. So you’ve got a guy who can’t commit, and you’d give therapists a case of the nerves. And then there’s the whole world-saving thing going on. Anything good about your situation?

ANNA:
That’s easy. I’m, like, really making a difference. For years I was like this weird chick, the one with the voices who never fit in. But now I’m important. I’ve stopped trying to block the voices and started to listen, you know, really listen. And I’ve got to know the girls.

JEZ:
All two hundred of them. And all called Annalise.

ANNA:
We help each other.

JEZ:
Worlds better than the alternative, which would mean lots of meds and pretty white walls. Which is better: sex or chocolate?

ANNA:
How about a man made entirely out of chocolate?

JEZ:
Yes, we have a winner!

ANNA:
Pralineman. A little bit dark, a little bit light, and nutty in a good way. Someone who melts in the mouth…eventually. And like that Black Widow spider thing, he gets eaten after sex if he falls asleep.

JEZ:
[GRINS] So what’s your romantic fantasy?

ANNA:
Two Pralinemen.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

MELPOMENE:
MILK CHOCOLATE MELTS IN YOUR MOUTH, NOT IN YOUR HANDS.

JEZ:
So, in Resonance, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Chris, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

ANNA:
I was never in sync with myself, let alone any Creator.

JEZ:
Yeah, okay, that was a loaded question. Sorry about that.

ANNA:
Two hundred voices in your head, and a crazy guy on your arm who’s seen roads change course, office blocks migrate across town, and his own father die three times… [SHAKES HEAD] I’m lucky if I have the same hair color across two chapters.

JEZ:
See, and here I’d blame my Dear Creator for not being consistent. Sounds like Chris got himself a Get Out Of Jail Free card, doesn’t it?

ANNA:
Exactly! No one—and I mean NO ONE, not the good guys, bad guys, or really clever freaky scientist guys—knew what the hell was going on from one page to another. And just when you thought you knew what was going on, something else would come along and like, wham! You’re back to square one sliding down a snake with a ladder in your fishnets.

JEZ:
[BLINKS] Um, you know what I said about giving a therapist the case of the nerves? I bet you gave Chris’s copy editor a nervous breakdown.

ANNA:
[SMILES MYSTERIOUSLY]

JEZ:
You’re my kind of character! If you had your way, what would you change about Resonance?

ANNA:
I’d call it Annalise.

JEZ:
[GRINS] But named after which one of you?

ANNA:
[LAUGHS] Me, of course. Voices in the head aren’t allowed agents. And in my book, I’d have more dancing. And pictures. And I’d have one of those scenes at the end where we all get medals for saving the world. Like in Star Wars with the big Wookie. I’d like a big Wookie. Wouldn’t you?

JEZ:
Sweetie, I like all of my Wookies big. If you could make Chris do anything, what would it be?

ANNA:
Write a sequel. I, like, save the universe…and then what? He’s off writing another book about a serial killer with multiple personalities.

JEZ:
Ooh! Me lovey the sneaky book plug! And about a multiple-personality disorder serial killer? Sweet!

ANNA:
Pulease! I’ve got two hundred girls in my head. This killer’s only got twelve. I’m way better!

JEZ:
And you’re way more modest. [WINKS] If Resonance were to go the way of Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

ANNA:
Jennifer Garner would have been way good as me, but she’s too old now. Joleen Blalock, maybe. If they use a lot of make-up. And there’s always me—I’m, like, photogenic and cheap.

JEZ:
[TO MEL] Way, way too easy.

MEL:
[ARCHES EYEBROW]

JEZ:
The joke, not the guest!

ANNA:
As for my supporting actors…naturally, Annalise would have to be the lead role as, let’s face it, this is Hollywood, and the best roles always go to the youngest and prettiest.

JEZ:
[TO THE CAMERA] This episode of Cat and Muse is brought to you by Botox.

ANNA:
Toby Maguire would make a good Graham. He has the weird thing going for him.

JEZ:
Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

ANNA:
I’d make it softer. Too many hard edges and sharp pointy things. I think you should be able to fall off a roof and expect to bounce.

JEZ:
Bless me, I want to hug you and keep you and call you George. If you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

ANNA:
I’d turn people into the person they most disliked for a day. Evil and educational: can you get any better than that?

JEZ:
I’m guessing you’ve never had to watch an episode of Barney… [SHUDDERS]

Avid Fans, give a huge round of applause to the heroine of Chris Dolley’s Resonance… Annalise Mercado!

[APPLAUSE]

You can get copies of Resonance at Amazon, B&N, Booksense, and fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Coming next week: a former succubus takes on a heavenly meeter-and-greeter. Until then: Love your inner demon!