JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome to Cat and Muse! I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the lovely, lamentable Muse of Tragedy…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Happy Valentine’s Day!

MEL:
LOVE STINKS.

JEZ:
Aw, don’t be like that.

MEL:
LOVE BITES.

JEZ:
You’re just being grumpy. How long’s it been since you’ve done the horizontal bop?

MEL:
[SIGHS] A FAINT HEART NEVER A TRUE LOVE KNOWS.

JEZ:
We have to hook you up. Hmm. Who would be a good match for the Muse of Tragedy…?

JACKIE:
[OFF CAMERA] Matt Damon!

JEZ:
Get out of here, Kessler. This is my show.

JACKIE:
Spoilsport.

JEZ:
Mel, I’ll get back to you on this. Trust me, I’ll fix you up right and proper.

MEL:
JUST YOU AND YOUR HAND TONIGHT.

JEZ:
Don’t go quoting Pink on me. Besides, I’ve got my Valentines plans, and while they include my hand, I promise you, I won’t be alone. Moving on!

Our next guest on Cat and Muse used to loathe Valentine’s Day. Then again, she didn’t have a very happy home life. She’s the star of SLEEPING WITH WARD CLEAVER—and let me tell you, as someone who’s slept with a lot of men in the 1950s, there really wasn’t a lot of imagination back then. You know how television was in black and white? So was the sex.

MELPOMENE:
GETS THE JOB DONE.

JEZ:
Maybe so, but even when sex is work, it should be fun. Which our heroine discovers for herself. Says Romance Reviews Today: “If you enjoy funny, laugh-out-loud books, stories of women going through mid-life crises, you will enjoy SLEEPING WITH WARD CLEAVER.” Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to the star of Jenny Gardiner’s debut novel…Claire Doolittle!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Claire!

CLAIRE:
Jezebel, it’s quite an honor to be here today. Can’t say I’ve hung out with many sex demons before, but hey, maybe you can teach me a trick or two?

JEZ:
For you, sweetie, free of charge! So, girl meets Mr. Right, gets hitched, only to find out he’s turned into Mr. Always Right and her life sucks and she can’t decide whether the marriage is worth saving. My, my. And here the bridal magazines make it sound like marriage is the end-all, be-all—not the end of all.

CLAIRE:
Every woman’s been there. No one necessarily admits it.

JEZ:
They should.

CLAIRE:
It feels really good to read about someone doing just that and cheering her along as she does it.

JEZ:
Sounds like SLEEPING WITH WARD CLEAVER is the ideal book for every woman who’s ever muttered under her breath that her husband can kiss her [BLEEP]. Then again, some of us like it when our [BLEEP] get kissed…

MEL:
PUT YOUR LIPS TOGETHER AND BLOW.

JEZ:
Settle down, Muse. So Claire, what’s the worst thing about your situation in the book?

CLAIRE:
I can’t remember the last time I had good sex.

JEZ:
Oh no! Poor sweetie. Does this get taken care of?

CLAIRE:
[SMILES] Let’s just say it’s like riding a bike…

JEZ:
[WINKS] Insert riding joke here. Or are there other preferred positions?

CLAIRE:
Ha! At the beginning, definitely I’m suffering through at the bottom.

JEZ:
Missionary style?

CLAIRE:
[NODS] And hating every last minute of it.

JEZ:
For the record, missionary on the bottom doesn’t always equate to bad sex. [TAPS CHIN] Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever had a bad experience that way.

MEL:
WHAM, BAM, THANK YOU, MA’AM.

JEZ:
Okay, granted, I’ve never had a bad sexual experience, period. Not counting the time I died. But that’s another story. So from missionary, you went…?

CLAIRE:
[LAUGHS] Eventually, up against the wall!

JEZ:
And it’s great for your posture. So now that sex is fun again, what’s your romantic fantasy?

CLAIRE:
A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou? [SNORTS] Hell, no.

JEZ:
For a moment, I was worried.

CLAIRE:
A romantic fantasy would be sailing off in the Caribbean, with the kids under the watchful eye of both sets of parents so I know nothing will go wrong. We are definitely drinking something fruity and full of rum.

JEZ:
Kids? How many?

CLAIRE:
Five.

JEZ:
[BLINKS] Five children? And you didn’t, I don’t know, cook one of them, or maybe give one away for scientific experimentation?

MEL:
[GLARES MEANINGFULLY AT JEZEBEL]

JEZ:
What? I’m a demon—you expect me to be all lovey dovey about kids? Alright, fine. Different topic. Which is better: sex or chocolate?

CLAIRE:
How about sex AND chocolate, together?

JEZ:
Sounds perfect to me. So, in SLEEPING WITH WARD CLEAVER, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Jenny, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

CLAIRE:
Uh, yeah, when I was having the worst freaking sex of my life with this total [BLEEP] husband of mine!!!

JEZ:
[SNORTS LAUGHTER]

CLAIRE:
And THEN when she made me run out of the bedroom the minute the dirty deed was done, just in time to throw up. Uh, that was not fun.

JEZ:
Ouch. If you could make Jenny do anything, what would it be?

CLAIRE:
How about make me twenty pounds skinnier and looking hot?

JEZ:
Sweetie, I think you look perfect. Let’s say the book goes Hollywood. Who should play you in the movie?

CLAIRE:
How about Jessica Rabbit?

JEZ:
Heh.

CLAIRE:
I’ll expand my horizons here and say, um, how about Emma Thompson?

JEZ:
A lovely choice. What about your [BLEEP] of a husband?

CLAIRE:
How about George Clooney?

JEZ:
Honey, really, if he looked like George Clooney, would you really complain?

CLAIRE:
How about Matthew McConnaughey? He has creases on the corners of his eyes—he looks a little tired…

JEZ:
I know my Dear Creator has a preference for Matt Damon.

CLAIRE:
Yeah, he does look a little Ward Cleaver-ish. But he’s kind of handsome too.

JEZ:
Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

CLAIRE:
I would make all the men multitask and have to do what women do and see how they survive the day. It would be fun to see their looks of dazed confusion and complete disorientation. And by nightfall they’d be begging their wives to take over their responsibilities again.

JEZ:
Sweetie, you’ve got the evil thing down cold! Congratulations!

Boys and girls, give another round of applause for the heroine of Jenny Gardiner’s debut novel, SLEEPING WITH WARD CLEAVER…Claire Doolittle!

[This is not Claire Doolittle. But it is her Dear Creator, Jenny Gardiner.]

[APPLAUSE]

CLAIRE:
Jezebel, it’s been great talking with you. How ’bout we go off for a drink now and leave the men home to take care of everything else?

JEZ:
You bet. One more plug, then we’re outta here.

You can get SLEEPING WITH WARD CLEAVER at Amazon, B&N, Booksense, and fine bookstores near you. That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Happy Valentine’s Day—and remember: love your inner demon.