JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome once again to Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show run by fictional characters—that’s our story, and we’re sticking with it! I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as (almost) always, is the Muse of Tragedy—the lovely, lamentable Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
Yo.

JEZ:
Our next guests on Cat and Muse are long-distance lovers who are counting the hours until their scorching Valentine’s Day reunion, each titillating the other with steamy letters describing their erotic journeys. Romantic Times calls Megan Hart’s “Get There” a “clever story” and gives the anthology it appears in, A RED HOT VALENTINE’S DAY, four stars.

Scorching Valentine’s Day reunion? [FANS SELF] Bless me, I’m going to need a cold shower after this interview. Avid Fans, give a hotter than hot welcome to the stars of Megan Hart’s erotic novella “Get There”…Edie and Ty!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Edie and Ty!

EDIE AND TY:
[TOO BUSY KISSING PASSIONATELY TO HEAR JEZEBEL]

JEZ:
Ahem.

EDIE AND TY:
[END THE KISS, WAVE HELLO AMIDST SOME MAJOR BLUSHING]

JEZ:
In your own words, what’s your novella about? Please note, it’s perfectly valid to say “Sex, sex, sex.”

EDIE:
I’ll take this one. “Get There” is a story about true love that transcends time, space and distance.

JEZ:
That sounds perfectly romantic—even though you don’t mention the sex, sex, sex. What’s the worst thing that happens in the story?

TY:
The long-distance thing, definitely.

JEZ:
Yeah? No phone sex for you?

TY:
[LAUGHS] With cellphones, email and instant messaging, you’d think it would be a piece of cake staying together, even being on opposite sides of the country. But let me tell you, there’s nothing that compares to being with each other physically.

JEZ:
Mmm. I agree: nothing beats that face-to-face…or face-to-[BLEEP]…togetherness.

EDIE:
I hate being apart from Ty, but I love the little stories we tell each other. Every day when I open up my email, I can’t wait to see what’s waiting for me.

JEZ:
Sort of ARABIAN NIGHTS meets the KAMA SUTRA. [GRINS] Mel, write that down!

MEL:
[SCRIBBLES NOTE] WHO WROTE THE BOOK OF LOVE?

EDIE:
And you know, having the stories to write for Ty keeps me wanting him, keeps him on my mind, all the time. For me, it’s like having sex all day and all night long, since I’m constantly thinking about it.

TY:
Really, baby?

EDIE:
Really!

TY:
Wow. I never knew that.

JEZ:
Cat and Muse, bringing couples together since 2009. What do two long-distance lovers prefer to wear when they’re getting their STORY OF O on? Something in leather, maybe?

EDIE:
I prefer jeans and a t-shirt.

TY:
But I love that yellow sundress you have. With the scarf. The silk one.

EDIE:
Yes, Ty, I know you love that outfit. I like it, too.

TY:
I really love that outfit on you, baby.

EDIE:
[LAUGHS] Yes, honey, I remember.

JEZ:
I’m getting the feeling that we’ve missed something. Mental note: read “Get There.” What’s one ridiculous thing about your situation?

TY:
The amount of hand lotion I go through.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

EDIE:
TY!

TY:
[SHRUGS] It’s true.

JEZ:
Edie? What about you?

EDIE:
[SIGHS] Well, the long-distance telephone sex IS hot, but yeah, it can get a little ridiculous, if you think about it.

JEZ:
I don’t know, it’s sort of romantic…

EDIE:
I think the most ridiculous part is how whenever we do manage to get together, one of us is always falling asleep until we get used to the time difference.

JEZ:
[SNORTS]

TY:
Yeah, that is pretty ridiculous.

EDIE:
How much hand lotion DO you go through, Ty?

TY:
[BLUSHES]

JEZ:
Okay, Edie. Spill. You and Ty. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

EDIE:
The beauty of our relationship is that Ty is a man who’s not afraid to let me take control once in awhile, but he’s not afraid to tell me what he wants, either. We have a lot of give and take. I love that about him. He’s very secure.

JEZ:
Is that secure in a B and D sort of way?

EDIE:
[LAUGHS]

JEZ:
What about you, Ty?

TY:
I like any position that gets me close to Edie.

EDIE:
That’s sweet, honey.

TY:
Except that one the one time, with the stuff and the place…you know, the one where I pulled my back.

JEZ:
Oh, come on.

MEL:
THE SWAN SAILS AT MIDNIGHT.

JEZ:
For real. I didn’t know there’d be a secret code to this interview…

EDIE:
[TO TY] We won’t do that one again, I promise.

JEZ:
If you can actually give details…what’s your romantic fantasy?

EDIE:
My whole life is about fantasy. One of the great things about being able to share my stories with Ty is that each and every one of them allows us to live out our fantasies.

JEZ:
That’s sweet.

EDIE:
I have one about a magic carpet though, that we’ve never used.

JEZ:
Yeah! Now we’re talking!

TY:
I like the ones where I get to rescue you.

EDIE:
[BLINKS] You do?

TY:
Yep. How often does that ever happen in real life?

EDIE:
Well, never. I hope.

TY:
That’s why it’s a fantasy.

JEZ:
See, obviously neither of you has been attacked by a homicidal hamadryad and lashed to a tree that sucked out your blood. [COUGHS] Which is better: sex or chocolate?

TY:
Sex.

EDIE:
[SMILES] Can’t I have both?

JEZ:
Hee. So, in “Get There,” were there any parts of the story where you were like, Megan, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

EDIE:
I did wish the story were shorter so we could get to the happy ending faster.

TY:
I was hoping for a few more love scenes, myself.

JEZ:
Heh. Pages and pages of love scenes…[GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] If you had your way, what would you change about “Get There”?

EDIE:
Shorter!

TY:
More sex!

JEZ:
Hah! If you could make Megan do anything, what would it be?

EDIE:
[LAUGHS] Oh, I’d throw that girl a bone and make her have a mad, impassioned and dirty affair with both of those boys from that show Supernatural. At the same time.

JEZ:
Sweet!

TY:
I’d make her give me rock-hard abs and a Zorro hat.

EDIE:
What? Why a Zorro hat?

TY:
Why not?

JEZ:
Speaking of Zorro, if “Get There” goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

EDIE:
Angelina Jolie, natch.

TY:
Does that make me Brad Pitt?

EDIE:
No, honey, you’re that guy from True Blood. Or maybe John Cusack.

TY:
Yeah, cuz those two guys are so much alike.

EDIE:
Well they’re both hot! But not as hot as you, Ty.

TY:
[LAUGHS] Right.

JEZ:
Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

EDIE:
Oh, I’m pretty sure I could only be Evil Lite.

JEZ:
Heh. You never know…

TY:
I’d make stupid drivers explode with my laser beam eyes.

EDIE:
I never knew you had so much road rage.

TY:
Oh, and I’d destroy all fat-free ice cream.

EDIE:
That would be evil!

JEZ:
Well played, sir! Well played!

Avid fans, give another hotter than hot round of applause to the stars of Megan Hart’s novella “Get There” in A RED HOT VALENTINE’S DAY…Edie and Ty!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn’t Edie. Or Ty. But it is their Dear Creator, Megan Hart.]

You can get A RED HOT VALENTINE’S DAY at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Flights of Fantasy and other independent bookstores, Amazon, and other bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love you inner demon.